Stanley Cup contaminated by Bieber fever.
"Get mad if you want, hockey fans, but you can't do anything about it. My head is protected by my impenetrable hair helmet, eh."
Canadian teen idol Justin Bieber got to lift the Stanley Cup before his appearance on the “Today” show Friday. Not only was it the only time the 16-year-old will ever touch something so representative of masculinity until his pop career flames out and he starts picking up aggressive, in-the-closet gay johns, but it also presents a possible turning point in the NHL finals.
Will the Chicago Blackhawks or the Philadelphia Flyers try not to win the cup knowing it’s been tainted by Bieber fever, a disease fatal to all who catch it except 9- to 17-year-old girls. Perhaps with his poor performance in game 5 Sunday night, Chris Pronger was already thinking that way.
Regardless of how this travesty affects the Stanley Cup finals, it’s time to lay some ground rules about who can touch the cup.
- Teen idols – past, present or future – whether solo or group acts, cannot touch the Stanley Cup.
- If, in the interest of national security for any nation(s) that may be affected by the Stanley Cup, it becomes necessary for a teen idol to touch it, then tough shit. He’s still not touching it.
- There are no exceptions. Bieber is Canadian, a people who would normally have a birthright to do whatever they wish with the cup. Not even that is going to circumvent the rule.
- I don’t care if NBC shows a couple hockey games each year, the Stanley Cup has no business on the “Today” show. Nobody who watches that program has any interest in the trophy, unless it is being contaminated by a teen idol with a terrible haircut and prepubescent voice.
Let’s face it: the closest Bieber gets to being worthy of touching the Stanley Cup is that his hair closely resembles a hockey helmet. The NHL should start working on a list of persons not approved to touch the cup. And one more thing. Being a “hockey fan” isn’t going to cut it, either. Because no true hockey fan would ever do this.
