The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

If you were in doubt, this proves there is no God; or, at the very least, he totally hates us.

Sorry.

Opposite Nadya Suleman (caution: linked Web site begs for money and items) on the crazy coin that is having more kids than you can count on both hands is the Quiverfull movement, an evangelical Christian philosophy that people should have as many children as God is willing to give them.

You’ve probably had more experience with the movement than you realize; Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of “18 Kids and Counting” – suck on that, Octomom – head the most famous and creepy Quiverfull brood. (Nowhere on the Web site did I see a rule that followers must give all their “arrows” names that begin with the same letter, especially once it gets ridiculous. Jinger, you got screwed.)

But, riddle me this: which one is worse? Suleman, whose 14 kids are certain to be a drain on her, their neighbors, their fellow citizens and their government? Or the Duggars, who are unapologetically part of a movement that wants to take over the world?

Yes, you read that correctly. Quiverfull advocates Rick and Jan Hess imagined the gains that could be had if more Christian families followed the movement in their book “A Full Quiver: Family Planning and the Lordship of Christ.” “If the body of Christ had been reproducing as we were designed to do, we would not be in the mess we are today,” they wrote.

And they’re not the only ones.

“Oh what a vision,” wrote Nancy Campbell in her book, “Be Fruitful and Multiply,” ”to invade the earth [sic] with mighty sons and daughters who have been trained and prepared for God’s divine purposes.” 

Wait a minute. These people are telling us that, had we kept God in government (Godvernment?), our problems wouldn’t have materialized? If conservative Christians ran the world as they believe they should, there would be no – OK, perhaps just less – war, famine, global warming, crime, financial meltdowns, terrorism or disease?

OK, fine, that’s probably not a valid argument to make. But it’s no more valid for conservative Christians to feel entitled to running the world because they follow God’s rules the best.

In fact, conservative Christians are probably a terrible choice to run much of anything, especially if they’re Quiverfull followers. They’re largely home-schooled, so not only are they lacking a sizable chunk of knowledge about some subjects, but they’re also unaccustomed to diversity. Fast forward America to the point in time where Quiverfull babies make up a majority of our government, and it’s even worse than it is now: they get things done together that excludes any other viewpoint and our foreign policy is awful everywhere but … well, everywhere.

I get proselytism. Pretty much every world religion calls for winning converts. But give me a break. I don’t think the Earth needs to be conquered by people with one-track minds.

Besides, perhaps those who follow the movement should try to get their own issues straightened out first.

It’s not all fun and games with your 18 kids and show on TLC. There are many families with fewer children struggling to make ends meet because submission is another tenet of Quiverfull. Women stay at home and care for children, following what their husbands say. That doesn’t exactly work when the husband can’t make enough to provide for a large family on his own.

Overall, Octomom and Quiverfull families are going to wear me down. Quiverfull families are going to try to take over my country, and I have to see Octomom every time I watch TV. It’s a lose-lose situation, no matter how you look at it.