The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

Kate Gosselin on "Larry King" in May 2009: bad hair, annoying.

Kate Gosselin graced – it’s Kate Gosselin, so it’s probably more like the opposite … defaced? – the cover of People magazine this week. Her appearance taught Americans four things.

1) She got hair extensions

2) “Entertainment Tonight” doesn’t seem to acknowledge the existence of hair extensions.

3) I know too much about hair extensions.

4) Despite all the bad publicity and dumb girlfriends Jon Gosselin has racked up lately, Kate is also a despicable person trying to maintain her death grip on fame.

Less than a month before her People cover, Gosselin was on the “Jay Leno Show” after her divorce was made official. Leno asked if there was a reality show she’d like to be on.

“Yes, ‘Dancing with the Stars’ because I cannot dance,” she said. “I want to laugh at myself. I so cannot dance. It would be a sad sight.”

I don’t think the solution to the damage inflicted upon your eight kids by having a messy, high-profile public divorce is to soldier on with your reality show sans male parent until it’s derailed by awkwardness and/or child labor laws and then hit the talk show/checkstand magazine circuit, announcing your desire to be a part of a hugely successful reality show.

Kate Gosselin in January 2010: hair extensions, annoying.

Do Jon and Kate even remember they have kids?

Because you don’t go on popular reality shows to laugh at how much you suck. A quick mental survey of reality show participants shows that they don’t think less of themselves under public scrutiny for whatever awful behavior they were involved in. In fact, the opposite is true: in the face of mounting disdain for their drunkenness, exorbitant roster of STDs, mental illness or orange skin, they think they’re awesome.

It’s time Kate – and Jon, and Nadya Suleman, and those girls and their immature sperm donors from “16 and Pregnant,” and any other parents who are televised train wrecks – give it up. Their first priority should be raising their kids to be as normal as possible.

Then, once the kids are grown and can distance themselves, go get too much bad plastic surgery and claw your way back into public consciousness. Give us something to talk about other than what terrible parents you are, like how everybody can see your liposuction scars in that “Dancing with the Stars” outfit or how nobody is buying that combover.

Foreground, from left: President Barack Obama, spotlight chaser, jackass.

In general, prosecuting people who just want to be on reality TV shows sounds like a great idea. As heinous as the shows are getting, there’s got to be something wrong with them anyway. (“I am totally in the running for ‘VD Cruise 10!’ Wait until I tell my kids!”)

But, as a couple of “Real Housewives” wannabes recently showed us, the idea of being a reality TV star has become so alluring that it’s worth breaking federal laws.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi sneaked into Barack Obama’s first state dinner, held Tuesday night. OK, sneaked isn’t the right word. They lied their way into the event. Thus far, exactly what deception they told the Marines stationed at the gate hasn’t been revealed, but it’s clear they were not on the guest list.

Although the Salahis weren’t seated at the actual dinner, they made their rounds mingling with invited guests – evidenced by Michaele’s Facebook album – and, as a White House photo shows, they even met Barack Obama. The couple may have gone through rigorous security, but Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan said the Salahis still could have posed a threat had they had a more sinister motive than garnering publicity to worm their way onto “Real Housewives of D.C.” (It’s debatable if there actually is a more sinister motive.)

Today, Secret Service spokesman Jim Mackin indicated federal prosecution is a possibility.

“As this moves closer to a criminal investigation there’s less that we can say,” Mackin told the Associated Press. “I don’t want to jeopardize what could be a criminal investigation. We’re not leaving any option off the table at this point.”

A word of advice for the feds: do it. And do it swiftly. The list of acceptable excuses for breaking federal laws is very short, and “I was trying to get on a reality TV show about wealthy, self-centered women who think they’re better than everyone but still have raging insecurities about everything that their Type-A-plus personalities can’t overcome” is not on it. And if it were, it might be worded differently.

This wouldn’t be a very difficult case, either. Knowingly and willfully falsifying statements on matters within the federal government’s jurisdiction is a federal crime. The Salahis claim they were invited, but it’s safe to assume they knew they weren’t because an invitation with a return address of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. never came in the mail. Participating in a reality TV show is – at least for now – entirely optional, and the reports saying the couple was trying to be cast are a clear indication their false statements were made willingly. And if a White House state dinner isn’t a matter within the federal government’s jurisdiction, then what is besides health care, private banking and insurance, the auto industry, consumer debt, and the Bowl Championship Series?

The Salahis’ lawyer, Peter Gardner, left the comment, “My clients were cleared by the White House, to be there,” on their Facebook page, but he’s got a pretty tough claim to support if nobody in the administration is admitting they were on a guest list at any point in time. Obviously, this is an embarrassing breach for Obama’s security team, but the Salahis are so wrapped up in their own absurd notions of celebrity and self-importance that they constitute and innocuous mistake. The Secret Service can learn and hopefully improve. Failing to prosecute the Salahis, however, would just show Americans that it really is OK to do whatever it takes to be famous.

If you were in doubt, this proves there is no God; or, at the very least, he totally hates us.

Sorry.

A Huntington Beach mom was upset by MTV producers soliciting her daughter to apply to be on “Sex … with Mom and Dad,” the show in which Dr. Drew Pinsky is supposed to help parents and teens feel (more? barely? somewhat?) comfortable talking to each other about … well, you know.

Julie Norton told the Orange County Register the Huntington Beach Pier is unsafe for families and the fact that MTV producers wanted to discuss her daughter’s sex life with the teen “sickens” her. Norton plans to ask city officials to stop MTV from distributing fliers and surveying teens. Officials have already told the newspaper they cannot regulate producers’ fliers because the pier is a public forum.

Show me a mom who gets hostile toward benign, voluntary surveys, and I’ll show you a mom who has never talked to her teenage daughter about sex. (Hint: it’s the same crazy woman.) It’s not as if her daughter could have brought her on the show without her knowledge.

It’s hard to believe how closeted, restricted and regulated sexuality is in America when it’s obviously an issue in several ways: teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and rape and sexual assault, to name a few. Case in point: the top-grossing NC-17 film of all time, “Showgirls,” earned less than 4 percent of what “The Dark Knight” did at the American box office. (I’m not saying the two are anywere near each other in regards to quality, but it’s a poignant compairson of a highly sexual film to a highly violent one.)

I don’t believe Norton would have been as upset by MTV’s producers if she had an open dialogue with her daughter about sexual issues. The fact that she takes the producers’ soliciting of 16- to 19-year-olds – I’m guessing they estimate by sight and aren’t out there checking IDs before handing out applications – as an affront to families’ safety says a lot about what’s going on in her own.

MTV has its share of awful, exploitative shows: “My Super Sweet 16,” “From G’s to Gents,” “Paris Hilton’s New BFF,” “A Shot at Love,” “A Shot at Love 2,” “NEXT,” “The Hills,” “The X Effect” … basically the majority of its “reality” shows. And although “Sex … with Mom and Dad” isn’t completely free from the overtones of MTV exploitation – rowdy, sexually out-of-control teens ready to air their dirty (literally) laundry with mom and dad – it at least took a stab at helping its subjects, too.

Maybe the teens and parents don’t need to engage in tell-all sessions like this mother and son who took each other on a walking tour of the location of a memorable sexual experience, but communication about sex has to start somewhere. Abstinence-only sex education isn’t helping kids, if they’re getting sex education in school at all.

Parents have to step in – even if it’s uncomfortable – and be their kids’ most accessible authority on sexual health issues, such when sex is appropriate, preventing STDs and pregnancy, and the repercussions of irresponsible sexuality. They don’t have to teach them new moves or compare notes with the latest issue of Cosmo, but teens shouldn’t have to drag their parents onto a TV show to get the conversation started.