The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

There’s a pattern to Tim Shriver‘s one-man crusade to curb the use of the word “retard” and its derivatives in the popular lexicon.

When it came out that Rahm Emanuel used the phrase “fucking retarded” to describe a proposed strategy for accelerating healthcare reform in August, Shriver pounced on the opportunity for some publicity. Barack Obama’s political pitbull was reduced to a puppy on a leash before most people were aware he had used that phrase.

Maria Shriver accompanies Tim Shriver to a Special Olympics event.

A few months before Emanuel’s outburst, Obama had his own disability-related miscue, on national TV, no less. Shriver was on “Good Morning America” the next day to play up the president’s apology for the good of the Special Olympics.

Yet between those two incidents, actress Megan Fox declared to People magazine, “I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard – but I do.” That remark didn’t even register on the Shriver righteous anger meter (despite other people showing outrage).

In January, Shriver even had a chance to drum up international support for the Special Olympics. Argentine soccer star Carlos Tevez called former Manchester United teammate Gary Neville a retard in the press after a heated exchange during a match with Tevez’s new team, rivals Manchester City. Again, not as much as a blip on Shriver’s offensive comments radar.

Rush Limbaugh’s “retard summit” registered a 10 on the Shriver scale, and the CEO’s rebuke was swift. But Utah Sen. Chris Buttars will preside over a gay wedding before Limbaugh apologizes for anything.

(And, interestingly enough, although Emanuel’s use of the word prompted Sarah Palin to call for his dismissal and remind everyone she’s still here – as if anyone needed reminding – Limbaugh’s usage brought her to his defense. No word from Shriver on that front, either, but it did inspire this gem from Stephen Colbert.)

Even though there’s a growing consensus that Shriver is playing word cop and/or self-appointed censor, if you look at his actions you’ll see some pretty deliberate outrage. The targets of his ire – Obama, Emanuel and Limbaugh – have all been big political figures. Celebrities’ and athletes’ retard-related faux pas are forgettable because they wield influence only in popular opinion.

If Shriver chastises a famous person, he gets his or her apology and attention from that person’s fans. That’s great, but it doesn’t pay the bills or pass laws.

If, however, he takes a politician to task, his or her livelihood has been threatened, and it’s going to take significant backpedaling and promises of support and cooperation to make it go away, which is exactly where Obama and Emanuel ended up. How did they make up for it? Committing “that the administration would continue to look for ways to partner with [the Special Olympics], including examining pending legislation in Congress to remove the R word from federal law,” according to a press release from the Special Olympics.

Maybe Shriver’s repeated scoldings of public figures for using “retard” is annoying, but it’s getting him what he wants. By putting the spotlight on people with considerable political pull, Shriver is guaranteeing himself and his organization a shot at favorable legislation and perhaps other benefits. Once the word is eliminated from federal legalese, what’s left? Funding. More legislation that benefits him. A national intellectual disabilities awareness day/week/month.

Shriver might be playing word cop now, but if he keeps getting his way, he’ll be in a position to ask for much more later.

Barely 24 hours after Sarah Palin gave her farewell speech, stepping down as governor of Alaska, William Shatner performed a spoken-word version of it on the “Tonight” show.

Clearly, we owe the Canadian actor of “Star Trek,” “T.J. Hooker” and Priceline commercial fame a debt that can never be repaid. In a couple of minutes on the air with Conan O’Brien, Shatner obliterated Palin’s chances of a run for the White House in … well, forever, actually. Think about it.

The GOP has to be somewhat hesitant to select her as its presidential candidate if her farewell speech began with a poem that was so well-suited to Shatner’s iconic-because-it’s-terrible delivery. There are speech writers, of course, but even the best of them will just have to stand by and suffer a self-administered brain injury as she peppers it with winks, “You betchas!” and “Don’t ya knows.”

For a real understanding of that no-win situation, picture her delivering any of the great presidential speeches: “Four score and seven years ago, you betcha our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” “Ask not what your country can do for you, don’t ya know. Ask what you can do for your country.” “Today is a day that will live in infamy. You betcha!” “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, don’t ya know.”

And even if she is chosen for the GOP’s 2012 shot because people are still head-over-heels for the most popular Republican, that video will still be out there. No matter who the Democratic nominee is, all he or she will have to do is run it as political commercials. (I expect compensation as a Democratic campaign strategist should this happen.)

So thank you, William Shatner. Although your acting is insufferable, we must celebrate it for rescuing us from the possibility of Palin being in charge of the country. You betcha we owe you one. Tell you what. We’ll all book our next vacations at Priceline and call it even.

Despite resigning as governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin remains as popular as ever among Republicans. Rather than attribute her sparkling reputation to her superior leadership skills, I’m going to guess it’s for the same reason some people voted for John McCain in November: they think she’s hot.

But what about the rest of the GOP? Here are seven other top Republicans who are easy on the eyes.

No. 7: Bobby Jindal

The first Indian-American governor in U.S. history has been spicing up Louisiana since he took office last year. Jindal is the youngest current governor in America at 36, and his youthful good looks give it away. Dark and handsome, Jindal is sure to cause some heartburn, just like the curries of India.

No. 6: Mark Sanford

Oh, Mark. Your place in the GOP pecking order may be in danger, and it’s certainly going to be harder for the partyto find a good candidate for 2012, but you still deserve a place on this list. With that dazzling smile and sad eyes, it’s no wonder María Belén Chapur fell for him. (And his erotic love e-mails didn’t hurt, either.)

No. 5: Colin Powell

Maybe it’s not fair to the rest of the list to use a photo of a much younger Powell in uniform, but he was quite the dashing serviceman in his day. Besides, Powell is still tall and proud with a Hollywood smile, and now he can add distinguished to the list. He demonstrates why once you go black, you don’t go back.

No. 4: Jillian Manus-Salzman

She may be a bit older than Palin, but this big-eyed blonde still has it. That slightly crooked front tooth adds a little humanity to the elegance, and Manus-Salzman proved blondes are smarter than jokes give them credit for by not supporting John McCain in 2008.

No. 3: Charlie Crist

The not quite 53-year-old Florida governor bears a resemblance to John Slattery, and that’s definitely not a bad thing. Crist has taken good care of himself so far, shown in his bronzed yet wrinkle-free face. And with his ageless features, his white hair reminds me more of Anderson Cooper than Ann Cooper.

No. 2: Rick Perry

Leave it to Texas to have such a manly governor. Although he’s nearly 60, with his square jaw, dark eyes, touch-of-gray hair and bushy eyebrows, Perry is part George Clooney, part Sean Connery and completely handsome.

No. 1: Mitt Romney

The 62-year-old former governor of Massachusetts is older than everyone on this list except Powell, but Romney still takes the top spot. He’s got the touch-of-gray hair and square jaw like Perry, but Romney’s gentle smile and sensitive eyes make it clear how he got so far as a presidential candidate in 2008. Voters could imagine him as the outdoors type or a professional in a designer suit, and if you’re going to share your man with other women, it may as well be him.

Lampooned by Letterman. (Over and over. Not even her family is safe.) Squibbed by “SNL.” Attacked by actors. Exhausted by ethics complaints. Demonized by Democrats, but revered by Republicans.

Do you need any more evidence that liberals have it in for Sarah Palin? Her staff members don’t; even they called the probe, filed by an Anchorage Democrat, into questionable family travel paid by the state of Alaska “pure harassment,” echoing everything Palin has said about media coverage of herself since – well, since the scathing analyses of her first interview. (John McCain is a maverick and has done many maverick-y things I can’t recall.)

Maybe liberals do have it in for Palin. And why not? She is the GOP’s top figure. There are plenty of conservatives who want to take Barack Obama down a peg or two. Making the opposition’s leader – elected or de facto – your constant target is a legitimate strategy.

If you’re looking for someone to blame for the ongoing persecution of Palin, however, don’t try to blame the liberal meda. Allegedly, the liberal media don’t even exist. But if it does, it’s because of the absence of the conservative media.

The year was 1989. George H.W. Bush took over for Ronald Reagan. There were protests in Tienanmen Square. North America gets the Nintendo Gameboy and the Sega Genesis. A wall in Germany was torn down. And an academic researcher discovers journalism students tend to be more liberal than other students.

Fast forward to 2000, and conservatives still aren’t flocking to journalism. “There aren’t enough crusading conservative journalists out there for a serious softball league,” said Jonah Goldberg. Simply put, conservatives don’t like the line of work.

Instead of pointing at the media, consider this: maybe she is out to get herself – noticed. It was Palin who told Alaskans to hold her accountable, and they have. And she doesn’t like it.

But Palin is keeping herself relevant far longer than most people probably expected. After all, there is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.